Struggling with sex addiction and porn?
For the average person, the topic of Sexual Addiction is frequently misunderstood and can be cause for much debate. Far too often, it is written off as someone acting irresponsibly. They might excuse the addict for being young or having a high libido. Or give them a pass for being intoxicated by drugs or alcohol. In some instances, a person with multiple sex partners might even get a pat on the back. At the same time, the idea that a married person could blame an extramarital affair on being in the throes of addiction is unsettling to people.
There is also a debate in the mental health community over sexual addiction. There is little doubt among professionals whether or not addictive sexual behaviors exist. Here, the struggle is in the label of “addiction”, preferring terms like hypersexual disorder, sexual compulsion, sexual dependency, and compulsive sexual behavior disorder.
While the world continues to debate the matter of sexual addiction, the numbers continue to grow. It is estimated that between 12-30 million Americans struggle with some form of addictive sexual behavior in the United States today, nearly 10% of adult males and 7% of adult females. Because it lacks a standard diagnosis, many insurance companies will refuse to cover it, thus proving problematic for patients and doctors alike.
What is Sexual Addiction?
By definition, a sexual addiction is any sexual activity that feels compulsive, where the subject is searching for a “fix”, the same way a drug addict or alcoholic would. For some sex addicts, compulsive masturbation and pornography viewing would be considered a fix. Some will frequent strip clubs and massage parlors. Others prefer prostitutes and escorts. Many seek out multiple sex partners and one night stands, sometimes engaging in extra marital affairs. There are exhibitionists, sado masochists and fetishists. Some are involved with all of the above.
Similar to other addictions, the act itself is of less importance than the addict's relationship to it. The sex addict uses sex to numb their psychological pain. Where an opiate user might spend their day lost in the haze of heroin, or the gambler’s time is spent fixating on their next big win, the sex addict chooses sex as their way to cope with the world.
The sense of euphoria a sex addict receives from getting their fix is more intoxicating than what a healthy person gains from sex. For them, the actions of the ritual can be more rewarding than the act itself. Afterwards, the subject is filled with feelings of guilt, remorse and regret. The sexual experience is not about intimacy. It is driven by the user's fear of intimacy, similar to other addictions.
Research from 2014 discovered that the brain activity of a person engaged in compulsive sexual behavior was similar to the brain activity associated with drug addiction. As it turns out, drugs, food and sex all share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems. The brain rewards the sex addict for having illicit sex by sending a pleasure inducing surge of dopamine, the same way it rewards an alcoholic for pouring a drink. What the addict is addicted to is the chemicals released in their brain, not the substance or activity which causes the release.
Take the married man who masturbates to pornography at his computer, each night, after his wife goes to bed. This is his ritual. Night time, his computer and his wife going to bed will all become cues, for which he will receive a surge of dopamine. On her way to bed, she stops to pour a glass of water. Dopamine. She brushes her teeth. Dopamine. Once she is in bed, he logs onto his computer. More dopamine. The excitement continues to build, becoming almost insatiable. The man finally masturbates, but the climax is almost anti-climactic at this point, because his reward centers are no longer receiving dopamine. He immediately fills with shame and regret and longs for his next spike of pleasure inducing chemicals. And the cycle continues.
Why the controversy?
Unlike other addictions, sex shares a relationship to the users survival, and this is the point from which controversy stems. Whereas cigarettes, bourbon and gambling are all things a person can live without, sexual activity is necessary for our survival, and for the survival of our species. Thus, a healthy human will usually exhibit a strong desire for sex, with sexual fantasies and masturbation being viewed as a healthy expression of their sexuality. Herein lies the rub, pun certainly intended.
We live in a hyper sexualized society. Advertising has long utilized sex to sell us products, and with the advent of the internet and it’s unlimited supply of pornography, the addict is provided with a never ending source of triggers. It is estimated that 20% of mobile searches are for pornography, but one does not need to search for pornography to find sex online. Apps like Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and Tiktok are loaded with models selling their sexuality, or in some cases, prostitutes selling sex. For users of dating apps, such as Tinder, and “hook up” apps like Grindr, finding a potential fix is as easy as swiping one’s hand across their phone. There are instant messaging apps, chat rooms, webcam models, even websites where prostitutes can advertise their services, and they're all anonymous, reinforcing the behavior by reducing the fear of being caught.
The consequences of being a Sex Addict.
A sex addicts life is filled with shame and secrecy, as the ramifications can be severe. Having sex with multiple partners can lead to STD’s. Frequenting strip clubs can lead to financial troubles. Prostitution can lead to financial troubles, STD’s and arrests. Compulsive masturbation and pornography viewing can lead to a host of problems, including health issues or difficulties at work. Infidelities can wind up in divorce. All of this is horrible for the self esteem of the addict and their loved ones.
As with other addictions, the sex addict will often chase a high, choosing to escalate their behaviors. This can lead to Paraphilia, a condition involving dangerous sexual activities like voyeurism, exhibitionism, BDSM, even pedophilia and rape in more extreme cases. The consequences of being outed for these activities is far more serious, especially when there is pain and suffering inflicted on children.
Getting help.
What makes a person addicted to sex isn’t fully understood at this point, but there are many potential factors. Genetics are believed to play a role, as well as socio-cultural influences and even a person's spiritually; whether or not they believe life has a meaning and purpose.
Research shows that a majority of sex addicts come from dysfunctional or abusive families, with many being sexually abused as children. These families are often rife with addiction and many sex addicts are also substance abusers. Most cases of sex addiction occur alongside other mental health issues, including depression, anxiety and ADHD. A person who produces too much androgen, a sex hormone, could also be at risk.
While the potential causes for sex addiction are numerous, there are also several approaches to treatment available.
· Cognitive behavioral therapy, in one on one sessions with a therapist, can help the addict identify their personal triggers while teaching them coping skills.
· Antidepressants have been shown to help some patients, as they do with other addictions.
· Inpatient treatment centers, which remove the addict from their daily lives for at least 30 days, can help them to regain control of their impulses. These programs usually include individual and group therapy sessions to promote healing.
· 12 step programs such as Sexaholics Anonymous (SAA), which follow the recovery model of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). These programs don’t encourage the addict to give up sex entirely, only the destructive sexual behaviors, with the group setting providing support.
It sounds cliche, but the first step for any addict is to admit they have a problem, and that can be the hardest step of all. After that, they can begin to better understand what they are dealing with and set forth on a course of action for treatment.
While the journey of self discovery can be painful, it is also growth, and growth promotes confidence. Confidence triggers our reward centers. The person searches for more growth. And the cycle continues.