Get a Grip - How To Understand And Control Your Emotions

Part I - How We Think, Is How We Feel
People often ask me where emotions come from, so we’re going to talk about how emotions are created. It’s common to think that emotions simply “happen.” But our emotions run hot and cold due to how we think, not by outside forces or other people.

To start with it is important to have an understanding of the basic teaching of Rational Theory. This teaching is not new. Much of its origin can be traced back to Greek and Roman philosophers, such as Epicurus, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. Names that are more familiar come from ancient Asian philosophers such as Confucius, Gautama, Buddha, and Lao-Tsu. In recent years we see the evidence in the work of notable psychologists Alfred Adler, and particularly the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), Dr. Albert Ellis. 

There are others who had a hand in the teachings, but more importantly, are the basic ideas of Rational Theory valid?

The basic assumption is that we as humans are mainly responsible for how we think, feel, and behave is one of the cornerstones to change. 

It is logical to say that if you perceive your life to be unhappy, or you find yourself most often in a state of anxiety, anger, depression, or “stressed-out,” then change is necessary in order to alleviate these feelings.

It is not the events in our lives which “cause” us to feel certain ways, such as depressed, anxious, guilty, or angry, but much more importantly it is how we think about these events, 
Which drive all human emotions.

Subsequently, the behavior that follows is an extension of these emotions and both are directly related to how you think. 

So if you want to change how you feel, and adopt new behaviors, then it is important for you to listen in to your defeating self-talk. Dispute it, challenge it, and replace it with new ideas, which promote health and happiness. 

The idea that you are mainly responsible for how you think, feel, and behave can be validated with a simple example. The one I often use is this: let’s say we are at a party hanging out with old and new friends and I decide to tell a joke. 

This joke is risqué’ and it is a mixed crowd. One joke, we will call it the Event. Is it reasonable to suggest that we are going to get multiple reactions, feelings from the group? Probably so! 

One joke, many reactions.

If it were true that events are responsible for how we feel, then it would follow that each person would feel the same. But they don’t. How come? 

The reason is each person thinks differently about the joke. Thoughts are based upon genetics: “hard wiring,” as well as your learning history (direct teaching and experiential learning “your life experiences,”) and how you feel at that time. 

All this is the basis of your thinking and largely responsible for how you react to the joke.

One joke, multiple reactions. 

The joke does not have the power to create human emotions. Words cannot come out of my mouth, float thru the air, bounce off the walls, jump into your body, and create an emotional reaction!

That is magical thinking and does not have a basis in reality. Does the joke have an influence? Certainly, but it does not cause!

The same goes for anything that is said or done. Your friend/mate/spouse does not have the power to make you feel angry or guilty with the simple use of their words; the driver who 
just cut you off does not have the ability to make you mad: you are in control of all of this yourself.

And stress works the same way: the world around us does not cause us stress, we do that on our own.


What Is Stress? Is It All Bad? What Can We Do About It?
Why do we need to manage stress? If it’s bad for us, why don’t we just eliminate it instead of manage it? 

So we’ll start by defining stress to be sure that we’re all in agreement as to what it means. Then we’ll look at why we want to manage it, or even eliminate it where possible.

By definition, stress refers to “a state of strain, whether physical or psychological.” I like to view stress in two contexts. The first context is those negative events or happenings that we perceive and evaluate as being negative or aversive. 

They can be real or imagined. In either case, the person sees the event as detrimental to them in some way. Simple examples might be studying for an exam, not having enough money in
your checking account to cover a check you have just written or your gas gauge registers empty with no service stations in sight. 

Interestingly, not all stressors are created equal or perceived by all people the same. In fact, the perceived “stressor” may not even be perceived as stress at all by some.

The other type of stress is the emotions or feelings we experience in a reaction to these perceived negative events/stressors.

As human beings, it is natural for us to have a reaction to what is going on around us, past, present, and future. When these reactions are negative or adverse, they interfere with our ability to enjoy life. These adverse reactions to what is happening to us are called the:

The Four Emotions That Block Your Happiness

• Anxiety
• Anger
• Depression
• Guilt

These emotions block our ability to experience joy, contentment, and “peace of mind” at any moment. 

Usually these emotions are painful or uncomfortable and interfere with our ability to behave in adequate or productive ways. 

There may be some situations where a person would do well to manage the stress and thereby create a less painful stress response, such as WORRY vs. Anxiety, IRRITATION vs. Anger, REMORSE vs. Guilt. Notice the first emotion is easier to deal with then the second.

Keep in mind though that if you strive for the elimination of stress, that you will probably not be successful all the time, but you will minimize your stress response and be more likely to engage in acceptable behaviors, and accomplish more.


Is It Possible to Eliminate Stress?
The primary reason for eliminating stress in our lives is to increase pleasure and decrease pain. 

Human beings have 5 major goals: 

1. The first is To Survive and if you choose to survive the other four will follow. 
2. Increase Your Pleasure and Decrease Your Pain, 
3. Live Socially with Others,
4. To Experience Various Degrees of Intensity or Closeness with Others, 
5. To Have Meaningful Investment in One’s Activities

I believe a person can get close to these goals if he/she can learn to eliminate stress from their lives. And as one gets more skilled at eliminating stress, their happiness and energy levels increase and they move closer to achieving these goals. 

Fact vs. Fiction: if you accept the idea that at least in our current human form, we have about 75 plus years of time to meet these five goals. Then it makes sense to tell ourselves the Truth, rather than to embellish in Fiction.

One of the key ideas of interest in eliminating stress from our life is to “Tell Yourself the Truth”. Not to say that daydreaming, occasionally living in “La La Land”, or every once in awhile telling a “white lie” isn’t advantageous. 

But, to think more empirically, logically, and practically as a general practice will not only help you to feel better, but will also allow you to reach your goals much more efficiently, as well as effectively.

 

Part Two - There Are 3 Insights Or Beliefs That Make Up The Foundation For Thinking Factually /Rationally.

First Insight - Human Beings are Primarily Responsible for How They Think, Feel, and Behave
Individuals are born with tendencies towards thinking in certain unique ways. They inherit these genetic traits from their biological parents. This hard wiring exists whether the person has knowledge of their existence. These genetic tendencies are inherited and become part of our biology. 

These thinking tendencies have been referred to as one’s “Racket.” Actualizing these tendencies or whether or not they become real for the person depends on other factors.

Conditioning has a significant influence on how our genetics are materialized in our thinking, which will influence our emotions and subsequent behavior. Our conditioning comes from others and the world around us, and from ourselves. 

In our early years, conditioning will play a very profound role in our lives and can significantly establish the groundwork for much of our misery and self-induced neurosis as we move towards adolescence. 

Children are extremely impressionable and superstitious. They actually believe much of the fiction their parents and others communicate to them. (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and much more.) 

Fortunately, there is hope once you begin to enter adolescence. Your brain becomes much more developed and you can begin to dispute and challenge the fiction or irrational beliefs taught by people you have grown up with. By this time, you can begin to tell yourself your own fiction and begin your own indoctrination/conditioning without anyone’s help. 

Remember though, your genetics was first, then other conditioning, now self-conditioning. 

I would not be sensitive or accurate at this point if I didn’t note that trauma, whether it is physical, verbal, sexual or by experience, can have a profound influence on how we think. And often much more significant than the irrational ideas of parents and relatives. But I do caution. I say influence, not cause. 

If these influences caused, then they would have to cause the same for all human beings, but they don’t.

Self-conditioning begins to become important in our stress reactions in adolescence...and thus our 2nd insight


Second Insight – No matter how we created our stress reactions in the past, they are maintained today because we continue to believe the same Irrational/Fictional ideas
Self-indoctrination becomes the rule and not the exception. It is no coincidence that Middle School experiences are extremely difficult for many young people. Many are desperately trying to make sense out of their world, challenging many of the ideas of the past, and attempting to differentiate fact from fiction. Things often don’t “feel” right, but they have no clue why. 

Certainly parents, other adults, and friends continue to shape or condition their thinking, but young people function under a more critical filter and begin to challenge much more frequently...often without being aware of the process. 

Since our biology, early learning history, and now our self-conditioning has produced so many habits of thinking, feeling and behaving, our third insight may be the most important. 


Third Insight - Hard Work and Practice
It’s the only way to eliminate the stress responses or negative emotions and their maladaptive behavirs from our lives. 

Focus on Facts, not Fiction. Dispute and challenge the ideas we have grown up to believe are true, but on inspection realize make little sense. And force the behavior that will reinforce the new, more rational ideas.


To Reiterate These Three Insights:
Human Beings are Primarily Responsible for How They Think, Feel, and Behave.

No matter how we created our stress reactions in the past, they are maintained today because we continue to believe the same irrational or fictional Ideas.

Happiness Takes Hard Work and Practice.

We hope that this handout has been helpful to you. At the Counseling Center of New Smyrna Beach we have several therapist who can assist you in getting the treatment you need. If we can be of help please call 386.423.9161 today. Start living your legacy!

Anger: Six Steps to Successful Management

​We all know what anger is, we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.

What is Anger?

The Nature of Anger

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenalin. 

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry with a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or worrying or brooding about your personal problems could cause your anger. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. 

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can’t get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

Some people really are more “hotheaded” than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To “Let it All Hang Out?”

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.

It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.” 

• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. 

• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. 

•Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined, and “tell yourself,” it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”

Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This !&*%@ machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying, “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant other” wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger—or a partner’s—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

“Silly humor” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you think of a coworker as a “dirt bag” or a “single-cell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people is things should go my way! Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you’ll also realize how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don’t try to just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the “trap” you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes “nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire.” After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child’s chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say, “well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!” That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and express them”—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It’s true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can’t eliminate anger—and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even unhappier in the long run.

We hope that this handout has been helpful to you. At the Counseling Center of New Smyrna Beach we have several therapist who can assist you in getting the treatment you need. If we can be of help please call 386.423.9161 today. Start living your legacy!